Why it’s all right to go to bed mad

Sleep is the great eraser.  I learned that in my days as an advertising consultant.  It works with a company’s attempts at sending out a message and it works with our perspective of a day’s events.  It works more if you let it work.

It wasn’t even a great sleep.  I was up several times to feed the little one, up to catch a few infomercials (don’t get in to the habit of sleeping with the TV on), but a sleep nonetheless.

The drive in was calm.  I chatted with my hubby about plans for the weekend and the time flew by.  My daughter had a much needed nap.  Dropping her off was easier than the day before and I ran in to a mom I had met during registration days at the school.  We ended up visiting for a few hours and the day flew by.  There is nothing like meeting a new friend that makes you feel welcome.

I drove through the streets of my town, picked up the mail and thought to myself.  This is my town.  I could really get used to it here.

I am glad that I am keeping track of all the days, because the highs and lows are exhausting.  In case you were wondering, there is a sedentary giant glass of wine at the end of each day.

The Tsunami Crashes my Heart

This posting will likely get raw. Filled with dozens of emotions, the intention is not to distribute or dwell on the overwhelming grief that hit me today, but to document it in a somewhat scientific manner for the purpose of tracking the emotional roller coaster that we have embarked on.  In ten years from now I’ll likely have eradicated the days of tears and the lows that we experienced in making this move; having replaced that hurt with the hundreds of beautiful memories that are sure to come.  The truth is, it’s normal to lose sight of the good ahead.  I suspect it’s normal to feel days of regret, remorse and despair.  I will start to worry if the days of despair, regret and remorse continue long after we’ve settled in to our new life and are experiencing the world we moved to.

Until then, I accept every emotion and don’t act on any of them.  I assume that what we are experiencing is part of the process and needs to happen.  That in the end, I’ll know for sure.

All that being said, this transistion sucks balls.

That’s right. I said it.  This is the worst scenario we could possible imagine our family in. Divided, daughters a part from their daddy, living in someone else’s house, having two daughters going through a huge adjustment to new beds, new day cares, new schools, new friends. We could really use a solid family right now where the girls could go home at nice, even to a different home, but still have their daddy tuck them in to know that the world is all right.

I suppose it had to happen eventually.  There was a little trickle the other day as exhaustion swept over me but the storm passed without much relief.

But it’s been a series of events building up, slowly creating an inescapable burden that crushed my smile. Finally, just like the infamous straw, it was the insurance broke me. Amongst a hundred other details that we have to sort out to move to a new province, we have to get our insurance all switched over to Manitoban.  Our vehicles, my license, etc. etc.  Well, first they need a customer number, which comes with a Manitoba driver’s license.  Okay. Let’s get a driver’s license.

But you need ID with your name on it.  I use my married name, but am in the process of updating my passport to my married name.  A process, which fell off the priority list the day we decided to pack up our house and move. It just rose up a few notches. Need to get the passport, to get the customer id number to get the license to get the insurance – all within 3 months.

As I walked out of the insurance agency, having got to deal with a really great agent, the wave hit me.  I don’t want to do this.  This is ridiculous.  The drive to school had broke my heart with my 6 year old crying that she did not really feel like going to school today.  That was after my 2.5 year old had put on her shoes to come with me out the door only to find out that she was going to daycare with her auntie. Devastated she removed her shoes herself and walked away from me.  When I asked for a hug she told me she didn’t want to give me a hug. Crushed again.

And that was after spending the weekend with the extended family where I was reminded of the family that I left behind who was currently missing my daughters. 

So oh woe is me, right?  Mornings are full of pep talks where I remind myself that this was my choice, that this was the situation that we knew was going to happen. Suck it up.  You can handle this.  You just need to make the best of it.  What’s the best of it?

Well, I’m getting to know the locals. They are getting to know me.  Today I found my babysitter who I had lost during the move.  Suddenly I understand why the lady I called had no idea what I was talking about.  I was calling the wrong sitter.  When I finally got a hold of my babysitter she said – I’ve been wondering about you.  I apologized profusely for being so scatter brained, she laughed at me.  I think we’ll get a long just fine.

I have had some pretty crazy experiences.  For example, sitting on 5th Ave in front of an MTS hotspot and talking to my mom through my computer – clear as day and only $2.99/month for unlimited calls.  Thank god for Skype!

It’ll come.  This too shall pass, as they say and we’ll look back on it and laugh.  Until then, I am going to let the tears crash down to relieve me of some of the grief that goes with a change of this magnitude.  Then I’ll be able to see the good stuff.  Because there is good stuff.  Today my judgment is just shadowed by the massive wave of reality that hit me. 

The Weekend – a slow down

I was hoping that I could grab a few extra minutes of sleep on Sat am since we didn’t have to get our oldest to school, but my baby girl is still dead set that 3:00am is morning.  The three and a half hours of trying to convince her to sleep through a series of sticking the sucky back in and finally resorting to sleep nursing had me feeling a little queasy in the morning.  I really wanted just a little more sleep.

But I didn’t have anything I had to do, just some things I wanted to do.  I wanted to start looking at furniture.  Kijiji led me and my baby girl to the core of Winnipeg to look at a Furniture Outlet store.  I am not familiar with Winnipeg at all and I had no idea what area of town it was in.  As I drove through the eerily deserted streets for a late Saturday morning I thought to myself – good news: there isn’t that much traffic for a Saturday.  bad news: I’m in a really bad part of town and nobody else wants to be here.  I officially decided Garmin sucks at that point as it could not get me out of there faster.  Recalculating… recalculating.  Recalculating my ass – more like leading me in circles to get a good idea of Winnipeg Core.

I might say I am a little distracted.  There is a lot going on in my head as I process my new reality on a sleep deprived brain.  My husband is handling other matters back at our old home getting things wrapped up.  We aren’t sure when the whole family will be back together but we are hoping it won’t be longer than another week. I wholeheartedly and somewhat desperately clutch to my cousin’s offers to help me.  I could not get through this part of my life alone and they are my saving grace.

But as I was mentioning, I am a little distracted.  I was tasked with the simple instructions of following dear cousin to a supper date at the auntie’s.  Simple.  Turn when he turns.  It was approximately a 5 minute drive.  Maybe less.  I followed along in a daze.  A deep daze I realized as I pulled in to the driveway behind the vehicle I was following.  When a gorgeous, trim lady with dark shades and a flowing dress stepped out of the vehicle, it took me more than a second to realize that this lady was not my cousin Rob.  I caught her confused stare and popped it in to reverse and took the first corner to get out of sight.  My phone rang shortly after wondering where I had gotten lost. I finally made it to supper.

I know I’ve said it before, but this is absolutely crazy!

Just a small town day

I write this as I sit in the small town cafe surrounded with the locals, many who are staring at me. When I walked in, i wasn’t expecting it to be full, but there was no table. Talk about an awkward moment as I stood there juggling the carseat, my back pack and an overloaded diaper bag. but this is a small town. The waitress caught my expression and pointed to a table half full. You can go sit over there, that’s just my family.

So I sit with strangers. There’s the obliging head nods and smiles as I get settled in and start feeding my eight month old some apricots. I decided to introduce myself. And suddenly, I belong there. The conversation flows, I found out one of the guys is my neighbour just down the road. It was so easy and comfortable. I can’t stop grinning from ear to ear at just how incredibly absurd this whole situation is. I am living in a small town Manitoba.

And let’s not forget about my morning at the library. My baby is having an awesome nap and I’m doing some work on the free wifi (of course it’s free). This lady comes in wanting to use the computer to email some pictures. It’s clear from the conversation that this nice elderly lady hasn’t done much with computers.

I thought it would be a fun project so I offered to help. After about 45 minutes we had her set up with an email address and a running Skydrive. By setting up her email account, I learned she was born in 1936. She grabbed my number and offered to pay me for some more one on one tutoring.

That’s right, making my mark in my small town.

The Shield of Denial

I opened a mail box for us yesterday. I got a library card today. I watched my daughter give me a wave goodbye as she headed off to her first day of Grade 1 at a new school. Her fortitude forced me to fight back the tears. The wave was so confident, the smile told me ” I got this, mom.”. I am so proud of her. Grade one in a town we can’t completely call ours yet since we won’t live here for another three weeks. She’s going to do so great.

Me, well it appears that I may have some more emotional grieving to do. It would seem that I have not let go of my life or even begun to understand what we are doing. We had supper with an amazing couple from our new town last night. They were so hospitable and comfortable. The wine was fantastic and the conversation was enjoyable. The beauty of the situation caught me by surprise. These could be our new friends. This is our new life.

I finished the chapter in my life where I was surrounded by my family, where I was entrenched in a community. As i sat there on the steps of their deck watching the fire and feeling the night start to twinge with a chill, I found myself laughing out loud. At one point our host caught my erratic giggles and nodded at me, “Life changing, eh?”

I’ll say. It wasn’t the feeling of being overwhelmed that had me the saddest. It was the realization that I might like this. I might enjoy this life if the people are like this. I might love it enough to stay and if that is the case I may really be letting go of my last chapter.

This is crazy, absolutely crazy.

Day 1… This is my September life

After a whirlwind start where I have only barely begun to understand what was happening to our family, I thought it would be best to sit down and write out a plan. The plan made me realize that the only sane day would be a 6:50 wake up call. Yuck. Particularly after going through two sleepless nights where I had to be up every 45 minutes to sooth a teething baby.

But the morning went off quite well. The two year old was packed off to daycare with Aunty and didn’t even fuss for drop off. The other two hit the road with me for the 40 minute drive to school. Being as it was only the 2 nd day of school. my daughter wanted me to walk with her as the entire school walks the track in the morning as part of a balanced day curriculum. She ran in to one friend frm her class and I itched her as she seemed guarded, more interested in me. I realized that I was impinging on her coming out of her shell.

I left as she ran to the school with the school bell and looked down the main street of my new town. I was going to get to know this town quite well in the next month as I wander the streets with no agenda.

I was pushing a double stroller which is always a gong show getting in and out of buildings. We spent some time at the bargain shop picking up a few odds and ends. I got stuck in their and it took three of us to get me and my giant stroller out. Awesome.

To the bank to drop some more papers off. I walked to the park to find a place I could spend a lot of time, back to the bank for an appointment. Lunch out of the grocery store. I got mail out of my mail box for the first time.

This is just surreal. I am quite looking forward to the next few weeks. With the firecracker in day care, i get to spend my days writing, reading and planning. Plus a gym membership which I’ll probably only do a few times, but hey, that’s part of it.

I wonder how long it will be before I start hearing references to the crazy lady sitting in the park, or that girl who wanders the streets. It’s a personal goal to make coffee row before we officially move in, why not, right?

The Move… Also known as “what the hell just happened?”

So here we are. In an effort to stay connected with the people that I left behind the next chapter of my postings will largely follow our adventure through our move to another province, another lifestyle and the adventures in between.

The last several days have been the craziest, most exhausting days I have ever had, including having babies. It started with a last minute decision to pack a Uhaul and bring all our belongings with us on our first trip out to get Rylee set up in school. So Sunday afternoon at 3 we called and arranged to pick up the truck at 7am.

Start the circus.

Maurice and I begin the daunting task of loading up the Uhaul. We send off the older kids to have one last play date with the neighbors. Our 7 month old decided to take the morning to have the longest nap of her life – 4 hours. Other than the fact that we had a 26 foot truck to fill we were moving. We figured it would take all day to pack that thing. Then the neighbors started showing up. The work got divided and before long (3 p) we were ready to go. Seeing the neighbors come out like that made me miss my neighborhood already.

So off we went, I with the kids in the van and Dear hubby’s driving the movingy now truck. We oukked in to Winnipeg at 11:30 after a rather uneventful trip (I suppose the kids are getting good at it by now).

Sneak in to the house, poor a stiff drink, cheers to our new adventure and fall sleep before our heads hit the pillow.

Day 1 as a Manitoban.

We have a short morning at home then off we go to tour the school for our new Grade 1 girl. Follow that up with a tour through the back roads and off to our first supper with some soon to be neighbors. And by neighbors I mean 10 minutes away neighbors.

We received such a warm welcoming and had such a great time that I actually started to feel sad. it’s beginning to dawn on me what all this means, but I won’t dwell on that here.

So we get back to our hostel around 9:30 with very tired kids and the first day of school the next day. I am a snoring mess on the couch before 10:00pm.

Remember that 4 hour nap that my baby daughter had? Yeah well that turned out to be for teething. About the time we get to Winnipeg is about the time that her tooth is started to press on her gums trying to penetrate the flesh. My poor baby girl is not herself. And by not herself I mean she is up every 45 minutes needing a little comfort. IotS one of the longest nights of my life and by long, I mean short and full of panic attacks reminding me that I need sleep or I’ll never make it.

The sleepless night sets the stage for a late start for our daughters first day of school. We are cruising down the highway to get her there on time. She makes it but barely of course her stoic nature never lets on that she is stressed about it, but dad sure is!

I get to watch her give me a wave and then disappear in to her new school, left wondering how her day will go.

Up to this time we never actually had a mortgage for the property we bought. Our bank passed on it because of a technicality with the appraisal. We got the notice that our new local Credit Union was going to step up. It took almost two hours at the bank to get everything signed. My hubby and I were texting each other as I sat in the van with the baby and the firecracker. My dear two year old had lots of questions and was starting to get antsy. I warned my hubby that if he didn’t hurry up I was going to send a the firecracker in. About 10 minutes later we walked in. All the ladies at the branch smiled as we walked through the door knowing exactly what I was there for. So I let our dear two year old entertain them for a while.

To summarize that hour, Our dear daughter made herself at home. She dragged over the kiddie chair from the kiddie area up to the teller wicket and explained that if she stands on the floor she can’t see but if she stands on the chair she can see. As she explains this her nose pokes just above the wicket. The branch manager will trip over that same chair sending it rattling across the lobby. At one point, our little firecracker sits in the manager’s office as we sign the papers. She sucks on her second of three suckers but decides that the purple sucker isn’t quite what she was looking for and removes it from her mouth. While eyeing up the executive desk she places the sticky, have eaten sucker on the top and begins licking the side of the desk. All we can do is shake our heads and suggest that she stop doing that. We would gladly take her sucker away if she prefers the desk. She was all over the place managing to score not one but two bank mascot stuffed animals.

Now that we had killed almost two hours in the bank, we had less than four hours to get back to Winnipeg, unload the u-haul and drive back to Teulon to pick up our daughter after her first day of school. All the while having our busy two year old help us.

We high-tailed it back to the city, a quick stop to pick up the moving truck and drive to the storage facility. Just so you know, drive in and drive up facilities are two entirely different layouts. I suppose a drive-in facility would come in handy when it’s 40 below and you don’t have a five bedroom house to move through the building. We weren’t so fortunate to get the drive up facility No. We found ourselves backed in to a giant warehouse with rows and rows of storage units.

One would think they couldn’t all be full, but I guess they were because we started the daunting task of unloading the massive 26′ truck dolly by dolly. Each teetering dolly would have to be rolled through one entire side of the building about 70 yards and then down a row to the very end about 40 yards. Every. Single. Thing. You almost wanted to cry after steering the first load to the exact opposite end of the building. It was an impossible task.

I think even our two year old caught on the misery because she was first on duty to rock her baby sister in the stroller when she cried. Oh yeah, did I forget to paint that picture? We had suckered in our host for the month (him having no idea that he would be running more yards than a wide receiver in a season) so there were three people to load the dolly off the truck, push it through the rows and unload it in the storage bin then push it, empty and clanking, back to the truck to be reloaded.

Either the two year old had tired herself out at the bank, or she really did feel the stress levels. It got even better when the customer service rep came in looking for a credit card because the free storage promotion was for one storage bin only and we were going to need a second one. It would be $215. .???

Yeah, um, no. I suggested she talk to someone about the logistics of trying to fit a 26′ truck into a 10′ locker and asked her to question the math of the original arrangement, at what point should someone have mentioned that we would be trying to shove everything in to a free 10′ locker mysteriously located in the deepest possible corner. The lady was the absolute nicest person I have ever got to work with. I suppose it would be hard to be mean while you watch three grown people dripping sweat as the literally run through the warehouse to meet their deadlines. Needless to say, the second locker was free. Free and also located directly across the aisle from our first locker. I suppose it’s better that all of our stuff was in one area.

Time flew as the walls whizzed by. Suddenly it was time to get on the road to pick up our daughter from school. But not done yet. So off I go with the kids to drive to Teulon. We get there in lots of time only to turn around to race back to pick up daddy and drive him to the airport. All the while him stressing as his flight left in 45 minutes as we pulled in to the giant airport and he wasn’t checked in yet. Would be tight.

On Damage control, he gets a friend to check him in online only to find out that his flight isn’t for another hour and a half. Good thing we stressed the entire 40 minute drive through rush hour traffic.

So daddy gets dropped off and suddenly it feels like the world starts to slow again. But oh wait, there’s more! It’s time for a celebratory supper to ring in a new school year with three adults and, count them, seven children. Yep seven children. That restaurant cleared out mighty fast. Until it was just us not so quiet family of 10 in the restaurant and the folks in the VLTs. There was only one moment of panic when who would go missing but my firecracker. I’m checking the halls, between tables, behind the VLTs… There are a few looks of disgust as I trace through the gamblers, then comes the banging on a door at the back of the building. I open the women’s bathroom door to see my two year old wiping her hands on her pants as she walks out undaunted.

Then it’s out the door, home to bath three kids and get them all to bed.

Write your Own Fairy Tale

I’ve found myself suffering from fear of the unknown and the reality of the mountain ahead of this family.  September will be a test of the strength of not only our relationship but of our sanity and levels of patience as well.  It’s been several days of packing, probably three too many, and the boxes are lining up in the house.  Meanwhile, I have a six year old struggling to understand what is going on and a two year old who is basking in the lack of attention she is getting so that she can empty tubes of toothpaste, shave her face like daddy does, cut her hair and stomp on her little sister’s fingers when no one is watching.  The six year old is enjoying the extra yesses that are uttered under defeated breath as she inhales another cupcake, likely her third but I haven’t had the energy to keep up.

I have had bouts of sadness as the reality of this decision and the hurdle in front of us overwhelms me.  Dispair and anxiety begin to take over and I find myself wondering what am I doing.

Well, the reason I feel these sad, desperate thoughts is because I am afraid that the reality of what we have ahead of us won’t live up to the fairy tale that I drew up in my mind.  But let’s put those fears aside for a moment, because a dream never dreamed is a life never lived.

In exactly one month from tomorrow I am going to recieve the keys to a new life.  I will have survived a month of living in limbo, without a home wandering the streets of a tiny town waiting for my daughter’s school to be out so I could travel back to the my temporary home. I will have learned a great deal about my strength and the strength of our family. As I get those keys to my new home, my husband arrives with a giant moving vehicle.  I watch my two dogs run around the property devouring every new smell on every boulder and bush.  The girls jump out of the van, dressed for a windy fall day and head off to the water to see if there is still life swimming around.

The truck backs up and me and my husband crack a bottle of wine and kiss each other, a shared breath of relief at having made it this far escaping between our lips. We set the yard rules with our daughters as we watch our oldest dog splash through the marsh.  Unbeknownst to him he can do this any day he wants to now.  A retirement present so to speak.

We start hauling in the boxes and boxes of our life that we brought with us from our first family home. The girls hop in to help set up their room, excited at the idea of getting to build their own nest.  We sort boxes, this one to the master bedroom, this one to the linen closet.  This will take days and we aren’t in much of a hurry.  It takes time to settle in, we brought the heart of the home with us and it’s not in any of those boxes.

We take frequent breaks, sharing hot chocolate on the porch and admiring the colors of fall.  We sit on our front porch and my knee falls to the warmth of his leg. I glance at him and I can feel it, that sense of having reached it.  What we do now is up to us, but we are here.  We will always remember the two months of craziness leading up to our lifequake as a time that tested our sanity and our inner strength.  We’ll likely look back and laugh.

But it’s okay that I’m not laughing today.  It’s not funny to be packing up a house of memories, saying goodbye to people who mean so much to me and our family.  It’s not funny to watch my six year old struggle with the realization that all her friends are off at school while she sits at home being taunted by her little two-year old sister.  It’s not funny to think about the weeks that the family is likely to be divided when I take our oldest to her new school and the hubby stays back in his job and tie up loose ends at home.

It’s okay to be sad.  it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, it wouldn’t be human to not be feeling these things.  It’s okay to lose the sense of excitement underneath all the sacrifices that we will make for this adventure.  The sacrifices that may or may not be worth it in the end as we don’t know what we don’t know and we can’t say for certain that this is the life we want to lead.  We can say for certain that it is something we have to try.  And in having to try, we have to accept the waves of remorse that sweep over us.  For we haven’t lived the fairy tale we’ve written, and we are scared to believe in it whole-heartedly, because that’s what we humans do; hold back just a little of our hearts for fear of breaking them or being disappointed.

I will be standing on my front porch in 5 weeks from now, wrapped up in a thick knitted sweater sipping hot chocolate from my Wizard of Oz mug. “Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking… don’t they?”  Not where I live.

A pivotal Day

If you could feel my spirit today you would find electric colours sending tingles up your arms like a caravan of ants lighting the nerve endings under your skin and your heart would beat a little faster.  It’s a pivotal day.

Our family has been going through a journey over the last couple of weeks that has us exploring the depth of our understanding of our governing principles. I first likened it to a roller coaster ride, but the turning, twisting, launching doesn’t quite describe the emotional terrain we’ve travelled in the last couple weeks.

An opportunity to explore, to live a life that we could have only dreamed of literally rolled in to our inbox one day.  The opportunist that resides in my hubby’s conscious latched on and forced us to examine it as a dream we could achieve.  We examined the lifestyle, the changes that would be required, the losses and the gains.  We let ourselves stand on the wrap around porch and hear the crickets while we sipped on Coronas.  We felt the peace, we experienced the quiet and we dreamed of our children chasing frogs in the marsh.  We went all the way.

We began to dream, to imagine, to open up our minds and our hearts to feeling enlightened, excited, exhilerated even.

Then this morning a new wave of emotion fell upon us when the last peg of the agreement did not fall in to place due to unexpected financial criteria.  Suddenly we found ourselves in a different realm.  Angst painted the walls as my husband and I started considering the possibility that the dreams we had been having for the past two weeks may not come to fruition.

After angst seeped in to the walls, excitement and adrenaline splashed and dripped from the ceilings as problem solving mode began and the phone calls were being made.  The concept of having our lives held in limbo was fascinating.  We had actually no idea how the day would turn out.  Would our attempt to secure that last peg and realize our dreams happen?  Would we be back behind square one?  The unknown lit us up, as though we had been too long living in the realm of predictable and this event had reminded us of adventure.

The shift began.  The emotions were raw, unguarded. It’s been a long time since I felt that alive.  It begs the question, what do we have to lose by allowing our feelings to overflow?  It is these feelings that remind us what it means to be human, what we are passionate about, what we care about.  It is these things that fuel a life worth living. 

To get excited, to feel anxiety and overcome, to face challenges and venture to the other side. To feel losses that remind us how great it feels to win, to feel wins to remind us how much we have to be thankful for.  To appreciate the feelings we get to experience because we have the opportunity to live a life that gets us fired up. 

If we are lucky enough to be feeling sad, we must have something we were lucky enough to care deeply about.  If we are lucky enough to be disappointed, we must have had something that we were lucky enough to dream about.  To feel interconnected and to dream, that’s fortune. 

So, we are all in on this ride.  Letting ourselves feel excitement, terror, waves of disappointment and potential lost possibility, to feel hope and and faith.  These are the feelings that keep us hopping up in the morning.  I expect I’ll be bursting out of the sheets tomorrow.

Following your Dream

What’s an opportunity?  A situation that gives you a chance to achieve a goal? How big are you dreaming?  Can you dream too big?  Do you want too much?  Does wanting more mean that you aren’t happy with what you have?

I think I have a dream.  By think I mean that I have a vision but I am not entirely convinced that I could ever achieve it.  And by being afraid to fail, I don’t know that I am willing to put myself out there to even try.  This fear is one factor in my inability to jump at an opportunity to try.

I’ve been on a bit of a crazy course in life.  The last 7 years have been dedicated to baby making and maternity leaves.  Intermittedly I have held jobs that I was pretty good at doing.  I was on the fast track to the top it seemed.  But that race was always cut with the planned arrival of another baby.  I know in my heart of hearts that I can make up for lost tme, and I am excited to do that.  The question is, what am I trying to do?  Where would I be if I hadn’t had three amazing children?  Would I own a company?  Run a company?  Would I have a second degree?  Would I be changing the world by instilling tidbits of my personality upon it?  Who knows.

I suppose it doesn’t much matter.  At this point in my life, just shy of the 30 mark, I can’t say that I would have it any other way.  I have spent my entire twenties building a family I hadn’t ever dreamed of having.  I have a home I couldn’t have imagined for all the memories we create here.  I feel like the rest is gravy. 

So given that I feel entirely fulfilled, entirely satisfied, why do I find myself in the situation of looking out for something different?  Is it the desire for more of different?  More of the same?  Or is it just the natural curiosity of what else can happen in this journey of my life that I was born with.  I think it boils down to a curiosity.

Myself, I wouldn’t have the guts to embark on a lifeshake, the occurance of a decision that entirely disrupts the homeostasis of your life, all by myself.  But I chose a partner who pushes the limits of reality to ask the “why not, is it really that scary?”.  And here I am.

The dream seems so close.  The risks are manageable but the impact is giant.  Everything that we know as we know it would change, for what?  For the chance to try our hand at a life that we had imagined 10 years ago? 

In the world of regrets, I think I’d regret not venturing.  Too often we shirk at adventure and the unknown, but when we do take that leap, when we do explore the depths of our capabilities we find something we hadn’t known existed before.  If we take this giant leap – a leap of faith, a leap of family, a leap of adventure – we will definately learn more about ourselves and our